Hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, and aren't suffering too much from your over indulgence - I am! Sorry to those in Aussie, who rely on this for updates. It's been a very eventful week in every sense, and I've spent so much time on the Bat Phone, there's been little time left to blog.

I was considering being a little more cautious about what I write, as Hincksy is now able to read. He quietly shared with us his fears that his eyesight had been really affected by the stroke, leaving him unable to read, and have a valid excuse for never finishing the Telegraph Criptic Crossword. Tempting though it was, to have a moment of pleasure and let the old sod suffer, we showed him how to work the overbed light and gave him his stronger over-the-counter glasses. A miracle - he can see. Unfortunately, all the toys that he has, still don't relieve the boredom, and he's showing an unhealthy interest in what I'm writing. His visitors have made things worse, sniggering as they say that they've read the blog. Oh, what the hell, I'm going to be written out of the Will when he reads this anyway, so I may as well carry on being rude and disparaging.

Christmas has worked it's magic on Dad...no, he's still a miserable old git and isn't concerned who knows it. On Thursday - he moved his bad leg from his hip. On Friday - he was waving it around in the air like some old tart. On Saturday - he could move his fingers a little (thankfully not enough for the Victory Sign). On Sunday - he moved his arm from the shoulder. On Monday and Tuesday - he showed off his movements to any poor soul that was passing, and expected a 5.9 score at the least. On Wednesday - he showed the physios what he could do (now they're scared,) and they promptly hoofed him out of bed.......and he stood up! He obviously peaked too soon, because today - he's as sick as a parrot and had to stay in bed. We did wonder whether the nurses had a hand in this illness. Maybe even the thought of him being mobile and able to track them down to share his endless opinions and make demands was too much and they slipped something in his food? I for one, won't be making a formal complaint, but will congratulate them for their problem solving skills.

One of the nurses on the ward has got Hincksy sussed. He, foolishly, likes her, as she reminds him of our cousin. Perhaps the evil genes are in there somewhere though, as she's well on board for giving him hell. Dad seems to have taken to the patient role rather too well. On my list of roles to Paul Hincks, I think we can now remove daughter, as he has crossed the invisible-line and really dose treat me like the unpaid help. We arrived the other day and he was out in the chair. It was a huge step forward, as he's been stuck in bed; but within minutes he was moaning that his bum was sore and wanted to get back into his comfort zone. The nurses crained him back into bed, and within seconds we had to call them back as he wanted the pan. Sat on the throne behind the curtains, he bellows my name. Hincksy throws back the sheets and asks me if the catheter is leaking. He couldn't understand why I really didn't care what the catheter was doing as it was attached to...MY DAD. Needless to say - I know my place - I gave in and asked the nurses to take it out. When they had made him comfy - he whispered to me that he wanted some cream on his bum...who does he think he is? Not trusting his new found confidence in farting, I asked the nice nurse for a glove. 'I've plastered his bum in bloody cream' she said. 'Paul, if you're naughty, I've got a Penguin shaped ice-cube..and you know where it's going!' I really like this girl and she has definately got Hincks spirit. Dad gleefully told her that he used to pin me down, as a child, and draw eyes on my bum to make me squeal. Guess what he's getting from the nurses for New Year?

It was really impressive to see the scope of imagination for the presents everyone has given to Dad. He's very excited about going for his bath at the weekend, as he's going to sneak in the 'Grow Your Own Mistress' and wait for the nurses reaction when it gets to full size. Hincksy has had pleanty of exercise for his bad hand with the handheld whoppy cushion - it sounds a bit too realistic for everyones comfort. Though we've suggested for the last four weeks that he has a portable DVD player, Hincksy finally asked us to get one... because it was his idea! I ordered it for mum to collect, and she just had to take it home and charge it up. It died about 2 minutes after he got it, and he had a glint in his eye insinuating that obviously Mum couldn't manage without him. Nevertheless, he's taught his girls well and Vick would sort it out. Confidently, I just told Mum how to charge it, (with Hincksy sighing and eyes rolling), and left it with her. Sadly, she only proved the old git right, and brought it back the next day, as dead as a dodo. It's sorted now, and I've promised him sore porn DVDs that he can flog for a £ a minute around the ward - 'that's me girl!'

Having passed the - 'The food is f*g awful' stage and the 'Actually it's quite tasty' stage - we've moved on to the 'I'm only eating this because I know I have to' stage. It's painful to watch! On Boxing Day evening, the trolley came around. Soup, Tuna Sandwiches and Ice Cream - 'I really don't fancy anything, but I have to.' You've never seen anyone shove a butty in their mush as quick as he did, and manage to splutter crumbs all over us as he explained how awful it was - he's a professional closet patient!

Dad is now starting to think anout home. He has cancelled his subscription Stanner Stairlift Monthly, as he thinks he's better than that. Hincksy is quite pleased that he may need a bit of outside help once he's home. He has had it suggested to him that he could have a rather gorgeous Philipino carer to pander to his every whim, without dipped too deeply into is savings. I looked him in the eye and asked him if he remembered the 'Lives and Loves of a She-Devil'? If he needs help, she'll be the scariest beast he's ever seen !

Hope you have a wonderful New Year. Health & Happiness!

Vick X